Dream #7: Blood Drawn, Bartending, Beheading, Blood Cell Cartoons


I am at Meijer because I need to ship a package. My friend Krista is there and she is telling me about which boxes/envelopes are the best price and how she learned the hard way when she got the wrong one and her package got shipped to the U.P (7 dollars), then Alaska (20 dollars), then to Texas (5 dollars) then got returned (and she had to pay all of the above, added together). Within Meijer, I have to go and get blood drawn. For some reason, it hurts. The nurse is sort of nice but also a bit gruff. When I get up to leave I accidently drop a wrapper from one of my oatmeal bars on the chair. She notices and tells me that I should pick healthier snacks for while I am on the go.

The place turns into a science lab and I am working with the science department at the school I work at. We are eating lunch, and they tell me to be careful since there are so many chemicals around. The lab then turns into a bar and grill AND a lab combined. It is very dusty/dirty and cluttered. There are empty bottles and containers around. In areas where there should be whole sets of things, many items are missing. A science teacher asks if I can help him serve some drinks. I say sure, even though it has been awhile since I have bartended. There are hardly any bottles of booze at the bar – it seems like a dirty ghost-town bar where people don’t actually drink.  The bottles are mostly empty, and are covered in dust and cobwebs…but here we are, having to serve. A waitress comes in and orders a Manhattan, and Old Fashioned and a few other drinks. I am trying to remember how to make them – especially considering the very limited selection of booze. One of the ingredients in one of the drinks was “Garnier” (the hair product brand?). A waitress takes the drinks out through an automatic sliding door area into a pool area. It is a good thing the customers cannot see where their drinks are coming from. The waitress has a tattooed quote across the middle of her thighs. The words span across both legs, and a diagonal train track is tattooed is under quote. During a break she is writing, in sharpie, additional words underneath the current words already tattooed. Some of the words she writes in pen are “This passage allows me to understand passion” and “This passage allows me to understand geology” etc…

Five younger men come in. They are very obnoxious and sort of like guys from the TV show Jackass. They set up skateboarding ramps and obstacles and huge piles of trash in the streets, making it difficult for cars to get through. I have to take my car to go get ice (since these guys are having a large party at our bar that night) and I end up having to crash through the huge piles of trash to get where I need to. I go to pick up the ice for the evening shift, with a coworker and we spend an inordinate amount of time doing this. When we return with the massive amount of ice, we realize we do not have a cooler or refrigerator large enough to hold it all. There is no way around the fact that the ice for our drinks will end up melting. I am not too sad because these guys are crazy enough sober, let alone drunk.

Back at the lab, we realize that one of the obnoxious guys is missing. The other four guys claim to not know what happened to him. The mystery gets solved and we realize that the missing person has had his head chopped off. In my dream, there is a weird visual of a guy, head getting chopped off, big pool of blood. Then the blood fades and you can see an indented/stained part of the wood floor of the bar/lab and that is how you know what happened. In the middle of the stain/indent is a drain. It looks like a camera sort of goes down the drain so you can see down there and there is more evidence that the guy was murdered here. There are little cartoon versions of cells and particles (blood cells, mucus particles etc…) from the dead guy. They are living in the drain – complete with cartoon lamps and couches and pictures on the walls, etc… and they have little eyes and mouths. They are telling me “Get out of here!” and the cartoon mucus/blood cells tell me, “My wife will be SO MAD if you are in here!” His particles are angry pieces of dead guy.



PACKAGES: Way of Tao explains that a box symbolizes what I store and protect, and so a wrapped package indicates there is something unexplored or unexpressed.  Does this mean I need to tell my husband to explore my box?  Snicker … see how I make a juvenile joke instead of exploring … my own box? Double snicker.  Apparently this is how I roll. Who cares what is in those wrapped packages?  Sidebar:  I hate going to the post office and mailing packages.  I once sent my god-daughter her birthday present about 5 months late and another time sent my friend’s birthday present almost an entire year late.  I just avoid going for some reason.  The only time I went to the post office in a timely manner was when I mailed a student a whole coconut.  Did you know you can do this?  The mail lady will likely give you a dirty look when you get to the counter and explain your intentions.  Don’t let that deter you.  Just an FYI that you have to shave off the hair first so you can write the address on it, and you also need to have a return address on there.  Could an alternate explanation be that I just wish the post office was located at Meijer?

BAR:  Dream Forth tells me that to dream about being in a bar represents your wish for deliverance from day-to-day anxiety and a need to move toward enjoyable activities. It also indicates that you are seeking approval for something.  Yes.  I would like to win the Mega Millions and just do fun things, everyday.  Like mail my friends coconuts.  Who wouldn’t want to do this?

BOTTLES: Dream Forth tells me that seeing a bottle indicates that I am repressing my emotions when I should be communicating them with others. It also tells me to pay attention to what is inside the bottle and that seeing an empty bottle implies that you feel emotionally fatigued and don’t possess enough mental energy.  I don’t have enough mental energy because these dreams keep me up all night.  Vicious cycle.  To conserve energy I suggest combining needed services, such as the purchasing of coconuts and the mail dispersal system.

ICE:  Dream Moods says that seeing ice in my dream suggests that I may be feeling emotionally paralyzed or rigid and that I need to let my feelings be known.  Apparently even I don’t know what my feelings are, since they were tightly wrapped and sent off in sealed packages.  I wonder who I shipped the boxes to?  Maybe they will send me a thank you card in another dream and I’ll find out what I sent them. 

BLOOD (X3: GETTING BLOOD DRAWN, BLOOD SOAKED INTO FLOOR BOARDS, AND CARTOON BLOOD CELLS IN THE DRAIN):   Way of Tao tells me that to see blood on something else (floor) reflects how I have disassociated from my feelings and I tend to explore emotions in an abstract way.  Dream Moods tells me that if I am dreaming of giving blood, then it suggests that I am feeling physically drained due to stress. Blah blah, emotions, emotions, fatigue, fatigue.  Booooring.   I couldn’t find cartoon blood or blood cells anywhere on the dream interpretation sites. 

TATTOO: Dream Forth:  To see tattoos on those around you is a warning. Someone in your waking life will soon become jealous of you and what you have achieved.  Right….according to this analysis I have achieved repression of emotions and fatigue.  Oh, joy.  Or, alternatively, maybe I have achieved the genius idea of creating a combined grocery store and post office.  Patent pending.

Ok, so not totally from my dream but I thought it was worth pointing out that Dream Moods tells me that if I am a tattoo artist, and I dream about being a tattoo artist, then the dream is just a reflection of who I am.  Seriously?  Even though the most crazy, convoluted dream resulted in two clear themes, I would still like to point out that these dream interpretations seem pretty weak, at times.

Dream #6: McDonalds Hashbrowns and Metal Robots


I go to McDonalds for breakfast with my sister, Angela and my uncle, Mike.  We are sitting in a booth waiting for the McDonald’s staff to bring it to us, and it is taking forever.  While sitting at the booth waiting for our food, my uncle’s truck suddenly goes from being parked outside to accelerating across the street – smashing into an apartment building.  We run outside and investigate.  It is unmanned.  We are shocked.  We go back into the McDonalds and continue to wait for our food.  While waiting, my uncle notices these little metal pieces along the edge of the booth.  There are three areas that contain metal pieces – one on each side of the booth (none on the side where you get in).  His cell phone is very attracted, magnetically, to the pieces.  He connects this to the sudden acceleration of his car – blaming it on McDonalds.  We think we are discovering a huge conspiracy in which these metal pieces are starting to control things/us.  He wants to compile more evidence before he accuses.  We get our food and McDonald’s has changed their hash browns from their original delicious, greasy goodness into thick cut steak fries.  Ew.  I was the last to leave and Angela parked my car so I couldn’t find it right away.  I go down a street – it is a college student street – and they are having some kind of robotics competition.  There are massive robots set up in front of every house (each robot is almost as big as each house).  I notice my cell phone starts behaving oddly when I get close to the large robots.  I connect what my uncle said earlier to this occurrence and realize something really is going on, some magnetic phenomenon causing electronic (and motor…) devices to do things on their own. I break into one of the houses and snoop.  I look in the cupboards.  Then I have to use the bathroom so I go back to McDonalds and I see two of my friends – Melissa and Meredith there. Meredith comes inside and tells Melissa, “I think you ran over your drugs with the tire of your car”.  Melissa goes outside to take care of car/drugs……I am not sure if this relates to the metal conspiracy or if Melissa is just a druggie, in my dream.

ROBOTS:  Dream Forth tells me that robots suggest a structured, repetitious, mechanical and unemotional way of going about my life.  I’m quite sure my husband would argue with Dream Forth on this, at least in terms of the unemotional part.  I cry at 90% of commercials and movies that we watch together.  Maytag commercials around holiday time?  Check. Movie scene depicting a kid who is bullied, and then becomes a hero?  Check.  Serial killer in a movie pets a kitten?  Check.  Cow affectionately licks farmer on a milk commercial? Check.  I really don’t discriminate.  My husband has a very strict anti-talking policy, during T.V. or movie watching, yet he regularly breaks his own rule when he says to me, “Are you crying, again?”.  All I have to say in regards to this is that since the advent of DVR, the whole no-talking-during-T.V. policy seems outdated.  Come on, you can effing pauseYou can rewind.   Not that I am able to talk very much while boohooing anyway, so perhaps this is a moot point.

Dream Moods says perhaps I have lost the ability to express my feelings.  I do tend to hold emotions in, and continue to do so, until BLAM!  A fissure forms and uncontrollable pressures and volumes emit from my wordhole.  Sometimes liquids spew from my eyeballs at the same time.  I’m sort of like a volcano.  Of course, I’ve always been that, so technically I wouldn’t say I’ve lost the ability to effectively express myself, verbally.  It’s always been a bit of a disability area, for me.  A small scale vent erupted yesterday.  During a horrible frustrating bullshit important work meeting, I continued to blurt out accusatory statements, sarcastic comments and a multitude of questions to our principal, while simultaneously refusing to smile at her inane jokes.    Maybe not such a smart thing to do.  Humpsh. Oh well. 

Way of Tao has a slightly different interpretation and says that perhaps the robots in my dream mean I have a mechanical way of being.  Hm, if this means I mechanically leave all the lights on in the house, mechanically leave the cupboards open and mechanically forget what I went into a room for, the minute I step into said room, then perhaps this is accurate.  Instead of calling me lazy or forgetful, this behavior can now be referred to as robotic.  That sounds better, right?
STEAK FRIES (EW. HASHBROWNS ARE BETTER):  Dream moods didn’t specifically have information regarding steak fries, but they did tell me that french fries in my dream suggests that I should not overlook the frivolous and seeminly minute things in life.  Ok, these interpretations are making me seem like a veritable dullard.  I do enjoy the little things.  I become happily obsessed with creative hobbies, that change by the day. I enjoy my coffee dates with friends and chatting with my family.  I get excited about strange things, like my favorite mineral (Quartz – SiO2!) or my favorite element (Carbon!) or my favorite cell organelle (Lysosomes!).   I’ve got a lot of little favorites and they might be weird or silly, but certainly all combine to create a pretty splended and fulfilling life.
METAL:  This is what the robots were made of.  Way of Tao tells me that because metal is usually ‘prepared’ or shaped into something for display, seeing metal in my dreams means I am portraying something other than my organic nature .  I’m pretty sure that my principal saw more bitchiness of my organic nature than she wanted to see.  I need to work a bit on my uncontrollable rage extreme emotional displays, at times.  Way off base this time, Tao.  Dream moods tells me that seeing metal in my dreams signifies strength and character.  I like this one.

DRUGS:  Way of Tao suggests that dreaming about drugs can be indicative of not facing the idea of substance abuse.   Well, we have established in previous posts that my two glasses of wine at night is not a substance abuse problem, but merely a formal scientific investigation. You can’t argue with science. (Sidebar:  Do you know that even though the defitinition of science is the methodical study of the material world, and “answers” are constantly updated as new material emerges, people still DO argue with science?  A few examples of those barmy peeps are The Flat Earth Society members, or those who believe in Geocentrism.  Note that these are REAL websites, not parodies.  Scary.)   
Current count of dreams that include drugs:  2.

Dream #5: Kelsey Grammer, Swimming and Portobello Mushrooms


I am in Kelsey Grammer’s swimming pool.  There are George Foreman grills on 3 sides of the pool and I am grilling Portobello mushrooms.  I swim to the side of the pool and reach over and grill the mushrooms while still in the water.  They take a long time to grill.  Some fall into the water and are floating around.  Kelsey tells me to make sure to let him know when they are done, because his dog, Chipper, gets the first bite out of every mushroom.  At one point, Kelsey comes over to where I am grilling, and we are talking.  He looks down and notices a oddly colored mole on his forearm, with a piece of hair sticking out.  He starts pulling on this arm hair and the hair just keeps coming out, getting longer and longer, and remaining attached.  Kelsey is holding the end of the mole, with about 2 ½ foot strand of hair attached to his arm.  He is alarmed.



SWIMMING POOL: According to Dream Moods, swimming indicates I could be exploring my unconscious mind and emotions.  It also adds that this is a common dream for people who are undergoing therapy. Hm, no therapy going on here (though it certainly could be argued that I need it). Perhaps this implies that I have subconsciously quit caring that our backyard is infested with numerous critters, including (but not limited to) squirrels, mice, chipmunks, deer, moles, and a pair of giant woodchucks, who live under our gazebo, with their fuzzy woodchuck babies.  For the first year we lived in this house, my husband and I continuously discussed, in concerned tones, the need to eliminate at least part of the problem (definitely the woodchucks, and maybe the grubs, which in turn would get rid of the moles).  We called a few pest removal companies, but we didn’t follow through on the eradication process once we found out how much they charge.  We then took the initiative to borrow a live trap from a relative, but it somehow vanished mysteriously out of our backyard (the possibility exists that the woodchucks have outsmarted us, and hid it).  Since the trap disappeared, no action has been taken to inform these woodchucks that they are not welcome in our yard, other than the creation of a 5 foot fence around our garden, with concrete blocks laid along the perimeter.  As I was jogging the other day, and noticed a woodchuck that had been hit by a car and was smeared across the road, a thought passed through my head, “Oh no! Is that my woodchuck?!”  The thought was only there for a brief moment, a tiny flit of an idea, really.  I quickly reminded myself that I was trying to get rid of the woodchucks in the first place.  Perhaps, the swimming indicates I think it might be ok for these fuzzy garden-chompers to reside in my backyard.
HAIR: Way of Tao tells me that when dreaming of hair, the condition of the hair can symbolize how I currently relate to my attitude and ideas.  Hmmmm, so let’s see, the one strand of hair was coming out of a growth and was abnormally long.  What does this say about my thoughts?  Yikes.  As mentioned above, I’m not in therapy at the moment, so I’m just going to ignore this one.

GRILL: Dream Moods informs me that a grill in a dream represents togetherness, comfort, and relaxation. So based on this, I’m thinking that I should embrace my “togetherness” with the zoo in my backyard, and to bask in the sunshine on my patio, with all of my feral friends.

MOLE: Dream Moods tells me that seeing a mole in my dream represents destruction and danger.  It goes on to say that either I am plotting against someone, or someone else is plotting against me.  Of course, they don’t say if this is a mole, as on Kelsey’s arm, or a mole, like the one(s) that burrows tunnels under my lawn, and does, in fact, cause destruction, in the form of a ruined lawn, and danger, in the form of twisted ankles.  And, clearly, I am plotting against them.  Or at least I thought I was, until the swimming brought up the notion that I really don’t give a shit about my lawn simply enjoy the natural beauty on display in my backyard.

MUSHROOMS:  Dream Forth tells me that dreaming of mushrooms indicates corrupt activity in order to gain wealth.  It also warns me that this could work against me and lead to lawsuits.    Dream Moods seems to agree, telling me that mushrooms mean I am making unwise decisions in my waking life.  Well, according to Dream #2, I have discovered I am game for nefarious activity – so we are starting to see a pattern here.  In a desperate attempt to make a connection between this and the previous items in my dream, perhaps the moles and woodchuck in my backyard are really in trouble, after all.  Perhaps the decision to do nothing has provided the animals with a false sense of security.  Perhaps my allowance of the continued breeding of pesky mammals is simply the precursor to committing a boorish act, like selling them on the black market, skinning them and making wallets out of their hides, or opening a wild game barbeque pit.  While I’m sure I would make loads of money on any one of these ventures, I guess I’d better watch out, because PETA might come after me.


Dream #4: School Board Room, Dunce Cap, Kicking White Horse


A group of us teachers, about 20 or so, are secretly hiding out in the board office.  We are elsewhere during the day, but after everyone who works in the building leaves for the night, we pull our items out of hiding spots and appear to live there.  People pull out couches, clothing, lamps, and other household items.  We must have very large hiding spots.  Food and drink are in abundance, and every night is a party.  We have to be careful to make sure none of our remnants remain, after we clean up in the morning, so no one knows that we are secretly living there.  One of my co-workers owns a tall, pointed dunce cap that has words printed on the side reading  something like “Po Polski Liu Lingiati” which translates (from my made up dream language to the actual language of English) roughly to “You can make fun of the Poles, but you cannot make fun of us”.  Right, this is totally not politically correct.  And it doesn’t make sense.  But remember, this is a dream.  To further confuse you/me, in my dream for some reason this saying is slang for meaning you are very “anti board-member”.  We must be rebels.

At one point, I am on a roof with some others and we look down and notice a horse is lying on its side.  There is a guy somehow attached to the horse (tied to the horse?) and the horse is bunny kicking the guy with his hooves.  He is totally scratching the guy up, and the guy is bleeding all over.  We try to think of a plan to disengage the man from the horse, so he doesn’t get hooved to death.  I’m not sure what ends up happening with that guy, or the horse.

Our secret life in hiding comes to an end, when one day there is an emergency board meeting very early in the morning.  We didn’t have enough time to hide any of our items, so our principals and superintendent walk in to find our stash strewn about the room.  They are completely shocked, particularly about the couches (how long have you been here?!) and the dunce cap.  They kept saying things like “How are we going to explain this?” and “What are we going to do about this?”

Note:  I would like to point out that when I am awake, I work for a district with a very sensible school board.


SCHOOL BOARD OFFICE: Way of Tao states that an office portrays work and issues relating to how you are currently providing for yourself or your role and sense of achievement in life.  Well, this is an ever-evolving theme for me as I seem to continually change jobs, both my “real” full time jobs, and my part time jobs on the side.  Even now, while l love the job(s) I have, I continually job search and want to know what other career possibilities exist……I am not sure if I will ever figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  But, I will keep looking.

HIDING: Dream Moods tells me that if I am hiding, it could mean I am escaping confrontation, while Dream Force says I could be withholding information, keeping a secret, or I could have feelings of guilt.   Well, I will let you know from now that I AM keeping a secret or two, but clearly I cannot tell you what they are.  And no, I’m not pregnant, so if you ask me if that is my secret I might punch you.  In the gonads.  (Sidebar:  Did you know that both males and females have gonads?  It’s not only the guys.  Gonads are simply where the gametes are stored – the eggs or sperm.  So another way of saying this could be that I might punch you in the baby-maker.  Gender neutral.)

ROOF:  According to Way of Tao, the roof of a structure shows limitations. As a setting of activity, something taking place on a roof can portray your desire to break through barriers in achieving your ambitions. Hmm.  See School Board Office.  I just updated my resume.

WHITE HORSE:  Dream Force tells me this indicates having control over things and directing them towards my aim. It adds that a white horse signifies purity and good fortune. I’m not sure if this still applies to a white horse that is kicking the shit out of someone, possibly to death. But, if this does indicate good fortune heading my way, let us hope that it comes wrapped in the pretty package of a winning lotto ticket.  This way I can figure out what it is that my heart actually fancies, without the constraints of a 9-5.

DUNCE CAP:   I couldn’t find dunce cap, so had to settle with a partial translation of this term.  According to Dream Forth, dreaming of a cap implies that I prefer being casual to being uptight.  Very true!  In fact, I am hoping that my next job is one with no dress code.  (Maybe I’ll work from home?  Or wear scrubs?  Or win the lotto and sit on my ass?)  It also indicates the necessity for me to be more open to other opinions and viewpoints.  Well, that is just a preposterous presumption.  I mean really, I wasn’t wearing the cap, it wasn’t even my cap.  The idea of me not being open-minded is just absurd.  Whoever has that view of me is clearly a muttonhead.  Since I couldn’t find dunce cap, and only half of the term was deciphered, it only makes sense to believe only one half of this interpretation.  Specifically, the half that doesn’t tell me I need to be more open-minded.  What a nitwitted notion!  Certainly not worth contemplating the possibility that it could be true.  Bah.

Dream #3: A Spider, A Nautilus and Spontaneous Combustion


My husband is trying to kill a spider on the wall.  The spider is peeking out from underneath a curled up piece of wallpaper, so just a leg or two pokes out.  He hits the wall, paper towel in hand, but keeps missing it, as one or more of the “spider legs” keeps moving out of the way.  As he continues trying, the leg keeps growing larger and larger.  He gets frustrated and says to me, “I can’t do this.  You kill this thing!” The leg keeps getting bigger.  We both wince as we think we are about to witness the largest spider ever, emerging from beneath the paper.  But, we are surprised to find that what we are looking at is not, in fact, a spider leg but is actually an enormous tentacle.  A giant nautilus-like creature pops out from underneath the wallpaper, and it is holding a wild boar with one of its arms.  The boar is hanging upside down.  The nautilus has a massive eye, which glares at us.  Both the nautilus and the boar are very wet and shiny, coated in some type of viscous oil. As we watch, our jaws open, the nautilus scurries up into the ceiling.  It disappears and we are left standing there, my husband holding his unused paper towel in his hand.  I am pretty sure the boar was dead.

Meanwhile, we have a fire lit in the living room – but either because of embers popping out from the hearth, or simply due to a (severe?) lack of humidity in the room, parts of the living room keep spontaneously bursting into flames.  A wooden chair.  A stack of records.  The bookshelf.  I try to blow out the small fires each time they spring up.  Our white chair is scorched.  I think that I should keep checking on the room every 20 minutes or so to make sure the whole room doesn’t become engulfed in flames.  The bottoms of the doors leading into the living room are cracked, chipped and peeling at the bottom, allowing a few inches of space where I can see inside, so I think to myself that at least I will be able to see light from a raging fire from the other room, if that were to happen.


SPIDER:  Dream Moods informs me that a spider refers to a powerful force that helps protect me from my own destructive behavior.  In this case, is my husband the protector, since he spotted the spider first?  I like to think so. In real life he certainly reins me in, preventing me from negative excess, whether it be stressing out about trivial things, whining for hours or guzzling gallons of beer.  I mean, don’t get be wrong, I do engage in these activities, frequently, it would just be even more out of control if he weren’t around.   The only thing he doesn’t stop me from is from eating too many nachos.  That we do together, excessively.

NAUTILUS:  No entries for nautilus, but there were entries for squid, which are related, so therefore I figure their interpretations must also be related. Dream Moods tells me that squid could indicate that my judgment is clouded (is it not a good idea to eat an entire tray of nachos, washed down by 5 beers? Is this why I need protection from the spider?)  Dream Force tells me the squid may mean indicate gluttony.  Ah, yes.  My nacho/beerfest.  Guilty.

FIRE:  Way of Tao suggests that fire could be symbolic of transformation and passion, while Dream Force says it could indicate enthusiasm, passion, or anger. Passion appears to be the common theme.  If you know me, you know that if I take on a project, hobby or job, it is because I am passionate about doing it.  I may even become slightly obsessive – restrained only by my husband/protector/spider. This continues to be true until I become fervidly devoted to something new, causing me to drop the old attraction immediately.  This could explain why I haven’t stuck with one job longer than 3 years.  Fickle as I may be when it comes to hobbies or jobs, my devotion has never waivered when it comes to complaining, imbibing beer, or mowing down nachos.

Dream #2: A Vacation, A Bloody Knife and Mean Friends


I am on overnight vacation with 20+ people, some friends and some co-workers.  We are staying in a large cottage, and the weekend is over, so we are cleaning up and getting ready to leave.  There are tremendous amounts of food scraps (shredded carrots, zucchini, bread, onions) on the counter that I am putting into a garbage bag.  My coworker, we’ll call him Pete, comes into the cottage from outside, looks around guiltily and then tosses a bloody knife (one of my nice, sharp Cutco knives) into my garbage bag.  I worry that if the police find this, in my trash/cottage, I might be an accomplice to murder. While I am in the middle of cleaning I suddenly realize that the entire crew is waiting for me in a large Greyhound bus.  I walk up to the buys and they are all staring at me with incredibly evil looks.  They are all waiting for me and are impatient to get going.  It is going to be a several hour trip back, through the mountains. I try to explain I can’t leave the scraps of food on the counters or in the trash, as it will smell.  My dad is going to the cottage next week and he will not be happy if it smells like rotting food.  I am also still worried about the knife and do not want to leave the bloody utensil in the trash can in case the police come to investigate. All of this is going through my head, as my friends continue to eyeball me.  They are SO MAD. Everyone is being so mean to me that I cry.

Also mixed in somehow, during this entire time I am involved in a scheme supposedly helping young boys in Malawi. It is similar to the email scheme to send money to a millionaire in Nigeria – except snail mail instead of email.  I send MANY envelopes in blue post boxes.

At the end, I receive a call from my friend Arlene, who lives in Scotland, while watching a movie in a baroque theater – so I miss most of the movie.


BLOODY KNIFE: Okay, it was hard to find something specific, since  I wasn’t actually holding the knife, or cutting with the knife.  There was no entry for simply “bloody knife”.  So, we’ll just give up on that one, and here is a free plug for Cutco.  These knives ROCK.  They are super sharp.  My husband once cut right through an avocado pit and sliced his thumb in half.  It bled for days.  Disgusting?  Yes.  But, definitely a good advertisement for the effectiveness of their product.

SCRAPS OF FOOD:  Way of Tao suggests that foods such as vegetables indicate unknown gestation or not acknowledging growth within.  Well, I am quite sure I am not pregnant, so what other “growth within” could be happening in there?  Ooooh, maybe I absorbed my own twin in utero, and teeth or hair or other remnants of said twin are continuing to grow within me?  Or, do I have some kind of cancerous growth that will burst forth painfully in the future?  That seems much less fun.  I suddenly have the urge to get a CAT scan.

MEAN FRIENDS:  Dream Forth tells me that if my friends are troubled or upset they may be suffering from stress or illness.  Ah, finally an easy one. They are stressed.  I know this because most of my co-workers and friends are teachers and we are all stressed.  We deal with stressed kids and stressed parents and other stressed teachers, so the stress just sort of spreads out to everybody. This is one reason we tend to drink heavily.  My family has to deal with me, and sometimes my friends, which stresses them out.  So they drink.  On a positive note, the result of this stress-fest is that we now have a collective hobby and can go have a beer together at the cottage.

BAROQUE THEATER:  Not gonna lie, I didn’t even try looking this one up.  If you happen to check into it and find something amazing, let me know.

MALAWI:  None of the sites have an interpretation for what Malawi means.  I’m starting to think that there could be a very lucrative business, helping those who wish to discern the unique details of their dreams. Clearly, there is a gaping hole within the dream translation business that needs to be filled.

BLUE POST BOXES:  Dream Forth tells me that U.S. mail boxes mean someone might ask me to participate in unlawful activity.  I suppose I was asked, indirectly by Pete, to aid and abet his unlawful and bloody acts.  As for any future nefarious activity any of you might be plotting, it sounds like I’m your girl if you need some back up.

Dream # 1: Pregnant, Homeless Druggie, Gwyneth Paltrow

Dream #1:

I AM Gwyneth Paltrow (this is the first time I have been someone other than myself in a dream).  I am 7 months pregnant, with skinny, pale arms and a large protruding belly.  I am addicted to a non-existent drug and am living in a huge house with dozens of other homeless people.  We each have a sleeping bag and a few scavenged items and are all camped out in a large, open room. Naturally, there is a treadmill in this house, so I am running constantly (in between drug usage).  The belly doesn’t bother me, it is hard as a rock.  To survive, I steal food items, warm clothing and other necessities.


GWYNETH: I was disappointed to find that none of the dream dictionaries mentioned Gwyneth directly.

ARMS:  In my dream I/Gwyneth have pale, smooth, hairless arms (opposed to my more gorilla-like appendages) and according to the Way of Tao, her arms might represent my responsibilities.  However, if her arm is dysfunctional, that could mean I need to let go of something I have been holding on to.  Hm.  My first analysis and already I’m confused.  I mean, does dysfunctional mean the arm doesn’t work properly?  Or does it mean it isn’t mine?  And to let go of something could mean to literally stop carrying such a gigantic purse or it could mean to stop obsessing about my incredibly thick arm hair, right?  I need someone to provide me with a definition of the definition.

DRUGS:  According to Dream Moods, the drug usage indicates that I could want a quick fix to my problems or that I need an escape from reality.  I am pretty sure that is what it means it you take drugs.  You know, when you actually inject them into your veins, or inhale the smoke into your lungs, or pop the little beauties into your mouth, in real life.   I thought the dream interpretation was supposed to shed some light, illuminate something new.

HOMELESS:  Dream Moods also tells me that my/Gwyneth’s homelessness indicates I am feeling insecure.  Psh.  But, it says nothing about a homeless person who owns a treadmill.

PREGNANT:  Finally, some good news.  Dream Forth informs me that my (notice in this reference, it is solely ME, no Gwyneth) pregnancy means I am undergoing significant growth and development in my personal life.  Clearly there IS some truth to this dream interpretation business.

THEFT:  Dream Forth started out so positively.  Then, one quick search and suddenly there is a void in my life or I am reaching for unrealistic objectives.  I/Gwyneth was hungry.  I/She stole food.  Problem solved.  No need to be so pessimistic, Dream Forth.

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