During the honeymoon phase, relationships are easy. They are all adventure and excitement and newness. But as the years wear on, the excitement dies down and reality sets in. Here are some tips to ensure that you are giving your spouse what he or she needs, so the two of you can make it for the long haul.
1. Schedule your sexy time. Instead of silly, immature, impromptu sexcapades, ask your spouse if they want to have sex at 7pm on Tuesday. On. The. Dot. Everyone appreciates it when time is carved out just for them. However if they arrive any later than 7.15, withhold sex acts of any kind. No one likes to be stood up for a date. When they try to make a move, pull out your day planner and have them reschedule.
2. Announce every time you’re going to the bathroom. The old, “Honey, I’ve gotta take a crap” routine never gets old, and everyone appreciates a truly open an honest relationship
3. Help each other remove excess hair. Shave your man’s back, or help wax your lady’s upper lip. A bit of southern landscaping may or may not be needed, from time to time. Everyone appreciates when their significant other makes them feel attractive.
4. Sleep with the television on all night. But, only if your spouse prefers silent, inky darkness. It’s good to help them broaden their horizons.
5. Eat the last of the Chocolate Moose Tracks. Or whatever favorite treat your spouse enjoys. Everyone wants someone to help them stay in shape. Tip: This is especially true during/after pregnancy.
6. Pretend to be asleep when you hear your child wake up. Do NOT get up, no matter how long it takes your spouse to finally get up and tend to the child, because everyone appreciates being able to spend some extra quality time with their kid.
7. Provide a counter-argument for every stance your spouse takes. Parenting. Politics. Religion. Pantry organization. No subject is too big or too small to stand up to spousal scrutiny. Your spouse will either gain negotiating skills or become so beaten down that he or she will go to great lengths to avoid a debate with you. Either way, it’s a win.
8. Ask for things. A glass of water. A slice of bread with peanut butter on it. Help doing any task your spouse routinely does independently, such as carrying the baby AND the diaper bag, simultaneously. It’s good to help your spouse feel needed and capable. Bonus: If you ask for that water when you’re both upstairs in bed, you’ll also be helping them tone their quads and glutes by trudging up and down the stairs.
9. Ogle attractive strangers. Stare at your waitress as she walks away, eyeball your kids soccer coach, demand to watch a movie because your favorite on screen lover plays the lead role. This is a tough love tactic. No one wants to be taken for granted, so reminders that your spouse isn’t the only fish in the sea are sometimes needed.
10. Answer questions with mirror questions. “What do you want for dinner?” “What do you want?” , “What is the name of that show with the chainsaw murderer who works at the daycare?” “What is that show called?” The only communication tip better than this one is giving an answer to a completely different question than the one asked. “What do you want for dinner?” “I heard about this high protein shake mix that you drink right after a workout that’s supposed to help build muscles 82 times faster than normal”. By utilizing one of these communication modes you’re sure to engage your partner and avoid any awkward silent moments.
What other tips would you recommend?
If you liked this post you may also enjoy 10 Key Pointers For Picking A Mate and A Special Fart. One I View Lovingly.
A Morning Grouch 
These are ALL essential in my experience. I’d add using up all the hot water when you take a shower first to the list. You know, to either help one’s spouse lose weight from shivering or get an extra enthusiastic wake up call with freezing water.
Oooooooooh good one. Yes.
Bahahaha. I am really helpful at finding my husband’s errant ear hair. I’m good at this marriage thing!
Sign of a true wife, for sure.
Did you forget “Tell him everything he does wrong everyday” because it didn’t make the cut or is this something you should likely thank me for reminding you that you’d forgotten? Just checking. Because I don’t know.
I DONT KNOW HOW I FORGOT THIS ONE
We’ve resorted to leaving the door wide open for any and all bathroom activities. It makes excrement a more communal experience.
That’s the path to true enlightenment, right there.
Why I do believe you may have possibly just added quite a few years to my marriage. Thank you for that.
On the heels of Adamotomy up there, you might could add “Do not flush commode.” Sharing in a relationship is essential and sometimes there are things a picture just won’t do justice for.
I’ve found my wife and I announce removing ourselves to the bathroom for No. 1s. No. 2s seem to remain taboo for us — at least when it comes to marriage-wide announcements. Thanks for the blog — very entertaining stuff!
haha yep – there are always some things easier to share and other things easier left unsaid! thanks for reading.
Rearrange the dishwasher loaded by spouse.
Show irritation with huffing noises, sighing, and/or averted gaze.
Say “are you awake” to a sleeping spouse.
Recount hilarious accounts of farting, giggling like a bad toddler. Or worse, fart and laugh about it.