Teresa Miller, a 34-year-old wife and mother-to-be, diagnosed by the medical community as having multiple conception woes, has confirmed the age-old wisdom that relaxing really does indeed make “it” happen. That’s right, after finally listening to the advice from countless mothers, aunts and grandmas, Teresa gave relaxing a whirl, and conceived her first child. She is due in January.
“The doctors all said I had a hormone disorder and told me that my ovaries weren’t releasing any eggs. That, combined with my genetic condition that causes fibroids to crowd my uterus, made me feel like my ability to conceive a child the old-fashioned way was hopeless“. The tests demanded by the medical community continued to bring Teresa bad news. And with it, more stress. She was told that in addition to the hormone disorder and fibroids, she also suffered from a blood clotting disorder, endometriosis and the kicker – her partner had a low sperm count.
“My mom, Sue, my Grandma Patty, and a few of my friends, especially Julie and Katie – who both have kids, all kept telling me, ‘Just relax and it’ll happen!’ So, after hearing this repeatedly, I thought to myself, ‘You know, there must be something to this'”. She adds that she realized she had been too harsh in previously thinking her friends and relatives were just being insensitive assholes. “People wouldn’t just say things like this to someone struggling with infertility if there wasn’t truth to it. That would just be asinine.”.
Teresa dropped all of her fertility treatments immediately. “I just decided one day that I’d had enough of this stress and was going to give that up. And sure enough, WHAMMO! The next month, I was pregnant. I can’t believe I waited so long to relax!” She laughs and shakes her head, while rubbing her swollen belly.
Melissa Albright, Teresa’s hired midwife and self-proclaimed natural home-birthing expert, explains the greed and lies behind the Just-Relax-Technique haters, “Right now, fertility treatment centers are booming, profits are skyrocketing and these loathsome doctors are driving around in fancy cars and smoking expensive cigars laughing at our gullibility. It’s sickening how they’re preying on female insecurities. If this little understood truth gets out, these centers will all come crashing down. And good riddance that would be. These centers are really the work of the Devil himself”. Melissa is backed up by her friend and co-worker, fellow home-birther, Sara Timms, “It’s really unethical to make women think they need monitoring and medication to conceive, when the truth is, our bodies know what to do, naturally, if we just let them”. It’s clear from these experts – medical interventions are simply not necessary.
Candy Stiles, a 23 year old mother of 6, was interviewed at her residence, at the Sugarhill Mobile Home Complex. “I so r’laxed alla time, and dat’s what got me dees lettle buggers!” she exclaims, pointing to her children, coated in chocolate sauce and dog hair, all busy hitting each other with wooden spoons. Our interview got cut short when the father of one of her children called to ask for money.
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