How to Achieve the 4 p.m. Miracle

6 am:  Open up one eye when alarm goes off (as far as the crusts will allow).  Snarl at alarm.  Punch snooze.  Tell yourself, “I’ll never drink again!”  Shut eye.

6:15 am:  Open up one eye (make sure it’s the same one).  Sock the off button.  Dig out crusts.  Put feet on floor and pad to the bathroom.  Make sure you’re hunched over.  Snarl at your spouse.

6:30 am: Pickoutyourclothesironyourclothesgetdressedfeedthecatmakeyourlunch emptythedishwashergetthebabyupdressthebabyfeedthebabyemptythelitterboxfold thelaundry.  Ask yourself why the hell you don’t you do any of this the night before. Make sure you scold yourself in a criticizing tone. Make it believable.

7:45 am:  Get the hell outta Dodge.

8 am:  Enjoy a hot toasty cuppa joe from your local establishment (the one with the drive through).  Waft the healing vapors towards your nose.  Savor the nutty goodness.  Sigh with contentment as you sip.

10 am: Enjoy a second cup of coffee at your desk.  Not as hot or delicious as the first, but still tasty.  Guzzle. Guzzle. And then maybe have a third. And a fourth.

10:15 am:  Tell anyone who hovers remotely near your (fourth) coffee cup, “DON’T TOUCH MY COFFEE!” or, if you prefer, “DON’T SPILL MY COFFEE!”   Both are equally important.

11 am:  Shake.  Shakily write Post-It notes to yourself.  Shakily type on your keyboard pretending to work.  Hear your heart shakily go THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMPTHUMP. THUMP.

12 pm:  Start chewing up your mixed greens with broccoli, cauliflower and mushrooms salad for lunch.  Chew.  Chew.  Be prepared for a lot of chewing.  Cough.  Wish you had more dressing.  Dryly chew.  Stare longingly at coworker’s pizza and fries.

12: 30 pm:  Take aspirin for your chew-related jaw pain. (BONUS:  Get the kind with EXTRA CAFFEINE!)

1 pm: Think about pizza.  Obsessively.  Pepperoni.  Green pepper. Ham. Sausage. Onion.  Green olive.  Thin crust.  Thick crust.  Buttered crust.  Cardboard frozen pizza crust.  YUM.  Hear and feel your stomach eat itself.  Think about cheesy nachos. Then back to pizza again.

1:30 pm:  If there are any cupcakes/cookies/cakes of any kind offered in the break room, shovel them into your face.

2 pm: Use toothpicks to pry your eyelids open.

3 pm:   Complain about your boss to your coworkers.  Complain about your heart palpitations to the person in charge of the coffee fund.  Complain about the housework hanging over your head in an email to your spouse.  Call your sister to complain about your parents.  Call your parents to complain about your sister.  Try to console yourself with Pinterest.  Find NOTHING GOOD TO PIN.  Complain to yourself about how the entire universe is conspiring against you right now.

3:59 pm:  Head to happy hour!

And here it is!  4 pm:   Enjoy the delicious glass of wine you’re mouth is suddenly so thirsty for.  And then have a second because it is just so grapey good!  Shake your head at how silly you were this morning when you said you wouldn’t drink today.  Why on Earth would you think THAT?  It’s liquid joy in a cup.  Admire the lovely crimson shade.  Think about how much you love your job, love your boss, love your sisters and your parents.  Marvel over how well-kept your house is.  How smart and beautiful your kids are.  How nice you really are, deep down inside.  How funny and witty you are – ha! ha! ha!  Attack the tapas. Bask in the glory that is life!  The miracle.

5 pm: Head home.  Help your spouse chop vegetables, pass them dishes to and from the grill, get out the salt and pepper and assorted spices.  Make three side dishes, plus dessert.  Eat dinner with the spouse and kids. No, wait, stop eating. Get up to get napkins.  Get up to get ice water.  Get up to get another knife because one fell on the floor.  Get up to get the olives out of the fridge.  Put away dishes, spices, wipe counter and clean up mess from dinner (since your spouse cooked, of course – it’s only fair!)

7 pm:  Put screaming, crying, snotty, dirty, smelly kids to bed.

7:45 pm:  Drink 1/2 of a bottle of Cabernet to help you relax after your dinner/bedtime shenanigans.

9 pm:  Snack on Doritos and string cheese and/or Dove chocolate and your kid’s whole grain Goldfish crackers (cheddar).

English: A pile of Goldfish Crackers, made by ...

10 pm:  Drink another 1/4 bottle of Cabernet to help you sleep.  Don’t forget to remind yourself that red wine is good fo your heart.

11 pm:  Drink last quarter bottle of Cabernet.  Because you don’t want it to oxidize and go to waste.  And because you REALLY care about your heart.

English: A glass of port wine. Français : Un v...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

12 am:  Smash your face on your pillow.  Zzzzzz….

3 am:  Wake up parched because all the fluids from your entire body are either held within your engorged bladder or have fallen out into the sopping pool on your pillow.  Guzzle a glass of water while peeing.  Re-smash face against pillow.

6 am:  Open up one eye when alarm goes off (as far as the crusts will allow).  Snarl at alarm.  Punch snooze.  Tell yourself, “I’ll never drink again!”  Shut eye.

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