When we first fall in love, we notice only the admirable qualities our partner possesses. Mother Nature has watched many a fool, in the beginning stages of a relationship, believe they have found True Perfection, and she has laughed her ass off each and every time at such naiveté. True Perfection in human character is nothing more than a fond illusion; for every superior quality, an equally superb flaw exists. Though it may take some time for these blemishes to reach the surface, there is no avoiding the inevitable pus-filled Character Defect Outbreak in the end. There are no exceptions to this rule. There are no exceptions to this rule. (Did you hear that, self? I’m talking to you, too). Mother Nature is both a giving nurturer and also a cruel beast.
A random sampling of examples exhibiting what one can be good at, and simultaneously royally sucking at, can be found below:
Can spend two hours maneuvering a chainsaw and chopping down a 30 foot tree, ensuring it falls safely away from the house, but cannot spend 4 minutes chopping an onion or green pepper to help prepare fajitas for dinner.
Can take apart and reassemble a car engine, a vacuum cleaner or a laptop computer, but can not take apart and reassemble the rice cooker in the kitchen or the toilet paper roll holder in the bathroom.
Can scrape the paint from the exterior siding of an entire house, yet can not manage to scrape the price stickers off of birthday or holiday gifts before giving them to the recipient.
Can notice a speck of dust on the mantle, or a wisp of spider web in the upper reaches of a tray ceiling, but can not notice when the soles of their socks are held together by only 7 interconnected threads, or that their eyebrow hairs are extending beyond their face and inching towards their ears.
Can figure out a way to budget and put away money into multiple savings accounts, stocks and 401k’s, can implement projects which save the company at work at millions of dollars, but can not figure out how your bi-monthly hair cut and color can possibly fit into the family budget (meanwhile 37 sports package add-ons can be added to the cable bill).
Can understand complicated instruction manuals (even the ones from IKEA) and could navigate to safety if lost in the woods with only a map and a compass, or perhaps even armed only with a mental image of the constellations and a view of the night sky, but can not figure out which type of medicine could possibly be taken to remedy a headache or a stuffy nose. Tylenol Cold and Flu? Sinutab? Mirilax? It’s SO CONFUSING.
Can sit stealthily up in a blind for hours on end, not disturbing a squirrel, ladybug, or any other living thing, with the hopes of hunting down a deer, but can not eat a bowl of cereal in the kitchen without sounding like they are chewing on a bowl of gravel, and the grinding echoing through the house.
Can remember every relative’s birthday, every family member’s doctor and dental appointment dates for the entire year, and can remember what your second cousin George’s ex-girlfriend-from-7-years-ago’s cat’s name was, but can not remember to turn off a light switch. In any room, hallway or closet in the house. Or garage. Ever.
Can bathe, suction snot out of noses, clip fingernails and read educational books to the kids, while simultaneously cooking dinner, doing 4 loads of laundry and mopping the floors, but can not talk, speak or listen while applying mascara.
Can work out six days per week, can be capable of performing yoga hand stands and running marathons, but can not open a jar of pickles or a screw top beer without assistance.
Can excel at cooking, gardening and sewing but can not manage to find common ground with your mother, who excels at cooking, gardening and sewing.
Can use alarms and timers and careful planning to be punctual for every appointment and event on the calendar, but can not manage to remember that there is meatloaf in the oven or noodle casserole on the stove top that needs to be stirred until after it can be smelled burning.
What does your spouse do well….and not so well?
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A Morning Grouch 
Hilarious! And so true.
Fantastic. I’ve never thought about this so thoroughly but you are so right! My husband is the smartest funniest man and yet gets flustered so easily when there is an unexpected change in plans. He’s got a lifetime ahead of him now with changed plans with kids.
Wow, I wish my husband could actually do some of those things! I love him anyway! That’s the crazy part, isn’t it? Great post!
Lol he has to be good at SOMETHING even if it’s not these particular things!
True, true, and true. My spouse can compose a symphony and extract parts for each section of the orchestra, but cannot find the proper setting on the washer- hence the 1 hour 14 min hot/hot cycle for my bright clothes.
Thanks for the laugh.
Yes! How cd I forget not having a clue how to use the washer? Nice addition!
You know what I loved the most about this? That I was 100% positive that you were talking about men/husbands…but then the focus shifted a little bit (for my family anyway) and I wondered when you were talking about remembering birthdays and stuff whether you were talking about wives/gender neutral. Great job there!! Also, my hubs sucks at so much of the fix-it things that it’s not even funny.
I am so trying to be gender neutral so hooray. Some of those are 100% my husband, some are 100% me, but I know that those roles are just person-specific, not gender specific.
Haha, this is hilarious. Funny ’cause it’s true. This kind of material could fill a whole book! “Shit my Spouse Can/Can’t Do” 😛
It REALLY could.
So true! The main thing lately is complains about my new radiant heating bill but never turns a light off. Gotta love him anyway!
I never turn off a light, but I also pay the electric bill out of “my” money. And I still get complaints! So annoying. But you’re right, gotta love ’em anyway (otherwise we might kill them).
Ha, Ha, yes we just might!
Great Post!
Thanks, scamway.
This is hilarious! I can so relate! Especially the cereal eating!
That’s a killer, for so many couples!!
Reblogged this on Journal of Stuffs and commented:
This is hilarious and so true! My boyfriend can write a killer statement of claim, but takes no less than an hour to write a 3-sentence email. How is that even possible?
Hah, right? I feel like I ask myself that question, “how is that even possible?” too much. People are just weird.
Laughed my butt off.
hehe thanks. I laughed writing it. Which is good since it countered some of the “I-want-to-punch-you-in-the-nose” feelings that some of these scendarios can produce in real life.
This post is awesome and I couldn’t agree more. 🙂
This is really excellence. You are awesome !
Following you. 🙂
Brilliant! I laughed out loud at the point about budgeting for the hair cut and colour. The cost of my hair appointments actually came up in a tense moment during our division of assets over our divorce. The funny part was that my lawyer AND his lawyer (both women around my age) BOTH turned to my ex and essentially told him would be wise not to go there. 🙂
Thank goodness for the women lawyers! Hope the rest of the divorce process was smoother
I love this post, my boyfriend is the most supportive wonderful person and a great listener. Right up until he has to do something (hell, anything!) and listen at the same time. Then I could tell him I was pregnant and a dinosaur is the father and wouldn’t even hear me say it.
That’s hilarious. Good to know, though, on your part. Hope it didn’t take TOO long to figure that out!
In about the first week or two of the relationship. It is a fault but it is one you can have a lot of fun with!
Very true and very funny! On the bright side, just looking at what you CAN do, together you make an incredibly talented couple! (Because there are those of us out there who don’t run marathons who are just as incapable of opening pickle jars, sadly.)
haha. go teamwork!
Hahaha I laughed while reading the characteristics describing my boyfriend. Then once I realized the other characteristics where describing me perfectly… oh shit, he needs to read this too. So funny!!
Oh yes. Two sided ; )
haha! this made me laugh till I wept…self-recognition in my inability to talk/listen whilst applying mascara! Rock on!
right?! there’s a lot of me in this post, i will admit (but my husband too…oh yes indeedy)
This is great. Mascara hit home. The only one I can think of right now is how my man can speak in front of 200 high school kids but I have to pull words out of his mouth at home. Just found your blog after my sister weighinonlife.wordpress.com/, reblogged one of your other posts. Good stuff, will follow your journey. Come visit, I have mostly been doing photos lately but would like to get back to writing some things. Although I am neither a writer or photographer, blogging is great.
As a high school teacher I can say…..it’s exhausting being “on” all day, i’m usually pretty sick of talking by the time I get home, too (that said, it’s more likely a guy thing because i have the same compaints, sometimes). Thanks for checking me out, will do the same for you 🙂
Yeah, it was the only thing I could think of. I was married for 35 yrs to a man with many of them. I am now with a man who does so much. He does not teach anymore but we volunteer and my usually shy guy, talks to them in the masses. He does hate doing the dishes, so I happily do them.
This is such a funny, awesome list! I think everyone either can recognize a bit of themselves or their mate in this.
Thank you! I def included examples from myself, as well as Mr. Grouch!