Benefits to Having Just Squeezed Out A Baby

Parenting is hard.  Especially during the newborn phase.  Just ask your stay at home mom friends or take a scan through your social media news feed if you need a refresher about how difficult life is for new parents.

The good news is there is always a silver lining.  Other than the more serious and sappy list – the best things about being the parent of a newborn, this list highlights the hidden perks that reside parallel to the stretch marks and saggy skin and unwashed hair of a new mom.

1.  You don’t have to get dolled up for company.  In fact, it’s expected that you will look atrocious, which is even better.  If you do manage to brush your hair or slap on some rouge, people will fawn over how marvelous you look.  It doesn’t matter if that mascara you applied makes you look less like a Maybelline model and more like the old hag offering Snow White the apple.  If you enjoy fishing for compliments, this is a classic no-brainer.

2.  You don’t have to be skinny.  In fact, it’s impossible to be.  If you don’t look any worse than Jabba the Hutt, people will rave about how quickly your body is bouncing back.  Even though your back hurts because your core abdominal muscles are now located next to your vagina (flopped over on top of it, to be exact) you might even feel sort of amazing, in a disheveled, lumpy sort of way.  You’ll appreciate that you no longer have teeny tiny elbows poking you in the ribs or a bobbly baby head crushing your bladder  You might enjoy, even more disgustingly, that you can feel the gallons of water you’ve been retaining steadily seeping out through the bottoms of your feet, thus relieving the pressure from your bulbous cankles.

3.  You can get out of doing crap you don’t want to do.  In fact, I’m quite sure this one is required.  You can get out of bridal showers and dinner dates with your husband’s boss (and his alcoholic wife) and, if you’re lucky, your nephew’s 4th birthday party at Chucky Cheese.  You can blame it on being too tired from staying up with the baby, or having to feed the baby or not wanting to screw up the baby’s schedule.  Bonus:  You can use this excuse for a looooong time to come.

4.  You don’t have to go to work.  At least for a little while, and this has it’s  perks.  I never acted more like a domestic goddess than during those 12 weeks of maternity leave.  My house was relatively sparkly and I cooked so much my husband actually told me I needed to not cook so often, something I never thought I’d hear him say.  I SWEAR it was not because everything I made tasted like broasted feet, but had more to do with the fact that he didn’t want to gain 20 pounds.  I manically cooked enough for a family of 6 every day.  He shouldn’t have feared though – once I returned to work I went back to my usual routine of eating popcorn and string cheese for dinner and he was sent back into starvation mode.  Oh, and you also don’t have to worry about WORKING.

5.  You don’t have to work out.  In fact, you’re explicitly instructed not to.  At least for awhile.  Enjoy the lapse in the training schedule.  Don’t worry, you will be back in the saddle in no time, happily getting screamed at by your trainer, Hans, telling you not be such a wimp and keep doing those reps.

6.  You get drugs.  Even if you don’t need them, you will get the prescription filled.  You never know when those suckers might come in handy.  Especially washed down with a glass of red.  You c-section mamas might even be able to sell your hardcore shit and make a buck (this is of added bonus if you are one of those SAHMs who could use the extra cash).

Any brand-new-mom perks I missed?

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Mom-with-baby (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

4 thoughts on “Benefits to Having Just Squeezed Out A Baby

  1. This is so true and I LOVE IT! My “baby” is almost 18 months and I am STILL MILKING IT!
    She’s my last one, so I will probably call her Baby for as long as they did in the movie Dirty Dancing. And it will take longer than that to lose my “baby gut” since my first “baby” will be turning EIGHTEEN this summer. Yikes.

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