In honor of Infertility Awareness Week – here’s a Top 10 list for what some of y’all should shut the fuck up about.
1. Complaints about your body during pregnancy. Swollen feet? Fat ass? Whaleish proportions? Shut the fuck up, you’re pregnant. You have a tiny head and tiny feet poking you in the ribs and wedged between your organs. That’s how you’re supposed to feel.
2. Complaints about what you can’t eat while pregnant. Can’t eat sushi? Can’t eat goat cheese? Can’t eat salami? Shut the fuck up before we shove this seaweed wrapped, cheese slathered salami up your ass. Have you heard the saying you can’t have your cake and eat it too? Maybe not, seeing how you’re devouring that cake….
3. Complaints about what you can’t do while pregnant. Can’t go on a rollercoaster? Can’t go on a trampoline? Can’t skydive? Shut the fuck up, we can’t have a baby.
4. Complaints about your kids. Up all night? Have picky eaters? Sick of them crying over broken toys? Sick of them crying over sharing toys? Sick of them crying over the fact that you made them wear pants? Shut the fuck up, that’s how kids act.
5. Questions about when we’ll have kids. When do we think we’ll have kids? Are we planning on ever having kids? Hm, let’s see, we thought about 3 years ago, but now we don’t know if we ever will be able to, THANKS FOR ASKING. Shut the fuck up with your ignorant questions.
6. Complaints about how your pregnancy/children is affecting your sex life. Really? Try forcing your spouse to have sex with you when they have a temperature of 103 and a raging sinus infection, because it is cycle day 15 and you don’t “waste a cycle”. Or try having to drive to Ohio because it’s cycle day 15 and your spouse is out of town for work and you don’t want to “waste a cycle”. Then you can talk to us about your crappy sex life. Shut the fuck up, we can’t wait to not HAVE to have sex.
7. Gushing about how your prenatal vitamins made your hair and nails grow. “Prenatal vitamins made my hair so lush and my nails so long” you say. Yea, shut the fuck up. We’ve been on them for 3 years and our split ends have split ends and our nails are stubs (but maybe that is from our anxious chewing?)
8. Complaints about all of your doctor appointments/procedures. Really? Because some of us are spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on medications and procedures. We’re spending time at the doctor 4 days out of the month, on dates we can’t plan ahead, and often have to leave work or cancel plans to check on our follicle size. We’re getting probed, we’re stabbing ourselves with needles, we’re nauseous because of the meds we’re taking. The end result of this is usually bad news with a pitying look from a nurse, instead of getting to hear a heartbeat or see our baby’s toes on ultrasound. Shut the fuck up about your doctor visits and procedures.
9. Advice about how to get pregnant. Relax? Stop trying and it will happen? Utilize the missionary position? Drink herbal tea? Trust in God’s plan? Chart our temperatures? Shut the fuck up with your witchcraft and wives tales. We’re working with our reproductive endocrinologists, thank you very much, because this is a biological problem, not a fairy-tale dilemma.
10. Complaints about not being able to drink because you’re pregnant. Ok, actually, that one we get. We totally get that.
Did I miss anything?
If you liked this post you may also like: A Bit of Gray Peeking Out and The New Normal.
89 thoughts on “Top 10 Things Infertiles Want You To Shut The Fuck Up About”
That’s too mushy of a comment for this post.
I really loved reading this!
Thanks, Bree! I appreciate it. I’m not gonna lie, I had a good time banging out the list, and swearing while doing it.
Wow. Dead on.
Great job on this. A really good read. #10 is my fav, but loved them all.
Thanks Jamie! I had a long time to think about/notice these things, as a lot of us do.
I’m a repeat offender of 1, 8, 10, and 2, but 2 only because everything I ate came back up and I felt like I was dying. I don’t mean to be insensitive. I’ve told you to punch me in the face before for my comments. You can still punch me in the face. Pregnancy and I did not mesh well, so I will probably complain about it until the end of my days because I have never been in more pain, have never been more depressed, and have never been so sad as I was knowing my body almost killed my kid, but I am reminded to be sensitive to others’ circumstances, and THANK YOU FOR THAT. I need to punch my selfishness in the face once in a while, too. Awesome post, especially the swears.
And 4. DAMMIT, I’m an asshole.
HAha! I mean, I get the complaints. I do. But, it’s Infertility Awareness Week. For Fuck’s sake. (I added that extra swear just for you)
I love it.
So. Fucking. Funny.
#5 totally gets to me!
i can’t tell you how many sweet old ladies i almost punched in the jaw.
Thanks for writing what I’ve never been able to say 🙂 Don’t want to take away from their “joy” but sometimes……
Agreed. But, sometimes it just needs to be said. This week, infertility awareness week, I’m saying it for everyone who’s been through it. This is for them.
Shit. You are so right on. I’m still gonna complain about my kids, because complaining is fun. But my heart breaks for people who want babies so so so badly and something stops that process.
When you complain about your kids, it’s hilarious.you be sure to keep poking fun at their expense…I’ll look forward to reading it 😉
Sooo honest and funny xxx wish I could walk around with No 5 as a card to give people when they ask instead of giving the usual platitudes xx
I used to always say “maybe” or “we would like to” when asked if we were going to have any. Every once in awhile a snarky comment came out but I usually didn’t have the energy for that.
unless someone has been infertile, they have no clue that even looking at a baby or pregnant women sets us off…DONT tell me to stand on my head for 20 ,minutes after sex, Ive DONE that 😉
Hah, I’ve done that too! Sigh.
yupp 8 years of witchcraft that didnt work, persistence did though, so never never give up ladies 🙂
So glad to hear that. So glad.
Hah, I’ve done that too! Sigh.
You had me at the title. So much yes!
I know I’m probably turning a few people off from the title (and the profanity, in general). But the fucks could just not be stopped.
And see thats why I want to become a surrogate. Because i seem to get pregnant when I dont want to so why not give someone else a baby instead of adding to my already sizeable brood. Even with BC I still manage to get preggers. So might as well do some good right?
What an awesome gift that would be.
I’m sorry, but was this person fucking serious with this comment?
The fucks are the best part of this post! And the balls you have write it. And the laughs I REALLY needed. 😀
If I can’t complain about my kids, what’s the point?
Hah – see Jeanette’s comment about not giving that up because it’s too much fun 😉
Most birth Moms feel exactly the same way! Even though we went through a pregnancy being around pregnant women, babies and kids is torture for a lot of us.
Oh yes! Thank you for bringing this up. We all have our battles – too often we are silent and suffer through them alone – which only causes others to suffer alone as well. Thanks again for sharing.
When people tell me “It’s God’s plans” I want to stab them in the heart. I also can’t stand those people who giggle about how easily they got pregnant — like all they had to do was slip on a banana peel and …. oops… knocked up. Bite me. Or… how about the woman who is so lazy she can’t be bothered to clean out the kitty litter so her house doesn’t small like a cat crap factory — but gets pregnant at the drop of a hat. Great environment for a kid, you lazy tramp. Or “Don’t wait too long to have a baby” — like it is intentional. Gee, I was really aiming to break the Guinness Book of World records for oldest mother ever on earth. Now you wrecked it for me. Or the engineer who told my husband that we just need to go to Hawaii. Does Waikiki have some baby exchange that we aren’t aware of? And I was under the impression you had to be smart to become an engineer.
Yes, yes and YES. I wouldn’t mind TRYING the Waikiki thing though, I mean….for the sake of science! (and for the sake of soaking up some sun and sipping on one or three mai tais)
I live in Hawaii….. NOT WORKING! (at least it is a good place to feel sorry for myself)
hah. hypothesis rejected.
Yes. Yes. And yes! Oh so true!
I love this Blog. Thank you A Morning Grouch!
Elbee, I totally agree!! It’s not like we don’t know what to do or what’s going on. I hate, try to “relax”
The “relax” comment is just so ignorant and insulting.
this is brilliant and I only wish I was brave enough to send it to all of my friends!
I shared this on my personal fb page (some know it is my blog, some don’t). I had some who “liked” and commented, and I’m sure I offended some others. Whatever. It’s infertility awareness week!
You freakin’ hysterical! So glad I found your blog…now following via Facebook. 🙂
Thanks Jessica! Sometimes you gotta just let it out….
I appreciate it! Glad you saw the humor – I was giggling when I wrote it. And also sort of crying. Ah, emotions.
i am sure i was guilty of some of this but i tried hard to be mindful of things like this. we went thru a miscarriage and got a lot of #5. i had a hard time not responding with a “shut the eff up.” i vowed to never ask that again. great post. i love it when people share what everyone else is thinking but not willing to say it out loud.
I’m guilty of some of these things too, but I remember how much it cut me to the bone to hear these kind of comments. Thanks for reading!
Thanks Elizabeth! This post was definitely for those dealing with those feeling RIGHT NOW. They need to hear that they are not alone.
Fucking genius. So glad I found you!
Thanks Rebekah. I can tell by your word choice that you’re going to fit right in here.
Absolutely loved this!!! My favorite is the complaints about the bodily changes – I know someone who kept referring to herself as “disgusting”. Seriously?
Seriously. pregnancy is beautiful. Not always easy, I know. But beautiful. People take it for granted.
Ha ha ha!!! LOVE this and can relate to each one! I remember when my sis and sis in law were pregnant, I got A LOT of #5! Thank you for having the guts to say what many of us would like to say on a daily basis to others.
All are so annoying but number 5 is up there on the annoying list for sure! Thanks for reading and saying hi, Monica!
I can relate to both sides. After losing my first 2 pregnancies due to miscarriage and then not even getting pregnant for the next 5 years, I couldn’t stand pregnant women or when I would see a baby. It just broke my heart every time. My own mom asked me to give my pregnancy books to my sister when she was pregnant. I almost stabbed her in the face… FINALLY I got pregnant again, and made it through to delivery!!! Then 10 1/2 months later gave birth again, 15 months later gave birth AGAIN! Now if I talk to someone having trouble getting pregnant, I actually feel kinda guilty for having (3) kids and I try my best to not talk about my kids too much, especially complaining about the little monsters.
Jen, I totally get both sides, too. I really do. Just when you’re in the middle of that process THIS is how you feel. Once you’ve got the little monsters, you have new things to be happy about, but also to complain about 😉
Love this! Totally going to share it!
Thanks Natalie! I appreciate it. I wrote this for Infertility Awareness week, but these things need to be reminded year round!
I love every bit of this post. I would hug it if I could. #8 was more like 4 days a week at the Dr.s office for me. I never got used to all the stupid shit people can say. When really, I know, they just do not understand. AT ALL. My advice would bu, just like any other situation – if you dont get it and arent sure what to say, say nothing at all. End rant. Thanks for sharing!
Yea, people can be such asses. I agree – if you’re not sure what to say – zip it!
OMG. I am SO glad I never said any of that to my co-worker. I was apparently correct in that it would make me an insensitive fucktard to do so. She would talk about it sometimes, but I luckily avoided these infertility pitfalls and no-nos. Thanks for the list for future reference, and I do have an unhealthy liking for that four letter F word, my fam bitches that I say it enough. Sometimes though, gosh darn and meanie head just don’t seem to convey the correct level of pissed off.
sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. i know i’m guilty of some of these, in the past. sometimes people just don’t know how words can hurt others, if they don’t have experience with it.
True. When in doubt, I ask. It surprises most, but then they’re happy usually to explain, or even just have someone interested enough to actually ASK and listen to the answers. I try to keep my head, but I have the temper of a red head and the disposition of a junk yard dog some days, and I lose it. It’s therapeutic sometimes in that it shows people at which level they are so deftly hurtful without even realizing. Sure, I’ll feel like an Ass later, but I know I am one so I just own it anyway. lol
honesty and open communication is refreshing. and oh so rare!
It’s sad isn’t it? Most people listen with the intent to reply instead of understand; this leaves much to be desired in the way of conversation. Sometimes people just need to get it out: not be given solutions or an anecdote. I’ll see someone go, “Oh you know what you should have done?” and the speaker just wilts right before my eyes. If a person is asking sure, suggest away, but sometimes people just don’t want you to fix their problems, they just want to lance the wound that keeps festering.
Haha, that about sums it up!! I totally need to do a comic about the various junk I’ve had up in my everywhere lately!
Are you the comic strip maker that Tracey at Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen Posted? I couldn’t figure out how to subscribe to your blog!
I had a non-viable pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage last year, and have struggled with the apparent inability to conceive since then. And, of course, pretty much everyone and their goddamn cat is pregnant now, including, but not limited to: one of my best friends who got knocked up and had a shot-gun wedding, several family members I had to spend an insufferable Easter with, and a lesbian Facebook friend who is either stretching out an elaborate (and disgusting) April Fool’s joke, or who somehow accidentally managed to have an egg and sperm unite in her uterus despite not being into the gender that produces said sperm.
I draw some hope from knowing I did conceive once, so I (theoretically) should be able to again. I can’t imagine how much more frustrating/annoying the things on your list must be for those who have had long struggles with infertility. Thanks for writing this, and I will keep these things in mind for when I hopefully get, and stay, pregnant.
Yes, when you’re trying to conceive, literally EVERYONE gets pregnant. Friends. Coworkers. Family members. Priests. Your odd uncle. EVERYONE. Hang in there and good luck. THe process sucks, but we go through the stress because we know it’s worth it in the end.
Do you know how much better I feel after reading this? So. Much. Better. I have to throw in my story and two-cents. Lost my first pregnancy. Now it feels like everyone I know is pregnant – 2 best friends, cousin who dated someone for 2 months before getting pregnant. I didn’t really tell anyone about my pregnancy or miscarriage besides my parents. Recently couldn’t take my friends anymore with the comments and questions: “You’ll understand someday when you’re pregnant”, “I don’t care what they say, I’m still drinking as much caffeinated coffee/soda as I want”, etc. Told them I had a miscarriage and it was like deer in headlights. But at least now they stop with the comments and are more sensitive.
Anyway I’ll be following your blog from now till eternity. Thanks for this.
Oh and by the way, why is it that so many people “accidentally” get pregnant or are “surprised” with a pregnancy, but when you’re actually trying to get pregnant, it doesn’t happen? I hate everyone. End. 🙂
Ugh, I so get it. It is such a hard process!! People make the most ridiculous comments, I know they just aren’t thinking, but STILL. Hang in there!
how could the same person that wrote this write the most recent post?? totally confused
People are more than one dimensional. One post definitely gives only a piece of the picture. My posts are pretty diverse, as it is my therapeutic outlet. The most recent post was inspired by my feelings of guilt about not seeing a couple of people in particular that I still see, but would like to see more of. They are younger and really dont have the perspective of what having kids entails, and I wanted them to know why. I’m sorry if it hit a nerve, really. I recognize the tone of where you’re coming from and didn’t intend for it to sound at all like I was taking parenthood itself for granted or to be insulting to those without children.
Thanks. I NEEDED this post. Been trying to get preg for about 6 months, following a terribly upsetting miscarriage in January. Today at 3:30pm, our entire office, from the Region President to he receptionist, gets an email from the office slut with the subject line, “Surprise!” telling us (in so many words) that she’s pregnant by her boyfriend of a few months and SO EXCITED. And thanks for all the congrats. Um. She’s not even 2 months preg yet and “thx for all the congrats”? From who, Bitch, no one knew u even had a boyfriend and ur announcing this in a highly inappropriate way. Thanks for letting us know you’ve been barebacking some dude you just met. Happy 4th of July! LOL and OMG. It was the grossest email I’ve ever received. Some if us are legitimately in relationships and trying to get preg. Can u just sit in that info until the 3rd trimester? K, thx.
Hahha i love your rant. Hang in there, thr process sucks. probably even harder than the office slut.
Are you serious? This is the most stupid and ignorant thing I’ve ever read. Just because someone has what you want doesn’t mean they can’t complain about it. It’s not like it’s a car or a tv. It’s a child and it’s a choice for life. Just because someone bitches about having kids, doesn’t mean they don’t want them. Everyone bitches. Every mother bitches. Both pregnancy and the fertility treatments are difficult. I despise kids, but you see me sitting here and making a list talking about “all infertile people do is bitch about not being able to have kids but SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE I WISH I DIDNT RUN THE RISK TO HAVE THEM” or “my boyfriend is infertile but I really wanna pop out ten kids but I’LL GLADLY TRADE YOU BECAUSE I DON’T WANT ANY AND MY BOYFRIEND IS A FERTILE MYRTLE.”
Life happened. You can’t tell others not to bitch. Like I said, each side has its different difficulties. You can always adopt a newborn and then you can have the kid without going through the appointments. There are ways around things. People say not to abort, give it up for adoption! Yet, I see a lot of infertile people going through hell rather than adopting babies that are already here and need love because they weren’t aborted so now they have to sit in an orphanage wondering why no one wants them.
Ugh, I’m done with this article. It’s filled my need for bullshit for the day.
But you DON’T see me sitting here*
Shut your face you stupid cow!
About time someone said something against this jealous immaturity. I am adopted but you don’t see me going around telling infertile women to shut up because they offend me. I ignore them because this desire to have their “own” baby offends me. What am I if I’m not their “own”? A giraffe? Last I checked, I am a human too with feelings.
This anger shows hate towards women who are pregnant. Just because they aren’t infertile does not mean they can’t have feelings about and during their pregnancy. If I ever get pregnant and struggle with morning sickness, I’ll definitely complain about puking up all of my meals and no woman is going to make me feel guilty about having morning sickness.
I’d hate to know what you think of women like my mother. She abandoned me in a hospital as a baby. A woman of poverty who probably would have aborted me if she could afford it in a third world country. I got lucky and was adopted by an infertile woman who was obsessed about having her own kids.
I went from one mother who didn’t want me to another who saw me as a last resort because she couldn’t have her “own.” You’re offended because fertile women complain about their pregnancy symptoms. I’ll give you an idea of how immature this is. What if I said I was offended because infertile women are so consumed in having their “own” babies, they overlook all the orphans like me who need mothers that want them. Oh, wait, but I am not “yours” so is it truly a baby you guys want or you’re only capable of loving your “own”?
You may accuse a pregnant woman of being insensitive to your problems just as I may accuse infertile women of being insensitive to orphans and unwanted babies as I was. But isn’t that ridiculous? My pain of abandonment is not my adoptive mother’s fault. I shouldn’t take it out on her. A pregnant woman is not your punching bag for your infertility pain.
You may hate pregnant women complaints, but I really hate infertile complaints even more. I don’t write a blog about it though and try to guilt you all into “shutting up” about it. Did you ever think how your rebuttals hurt adopted people’s feelings? The world is not a fair place. I’m tired of anger being spewed at innocent people. Enough.
I think it must be the hardest decision in the world to give up your baby, but in some cases it might be doing what is best for that baby. I think it probably took a lot of strength and honesty. Sounds like you got a lot of unresolved feelings about being adopted. Which I’m sorry to hear. Maybe you should have a blog! Sometimes just venting and getting it out and help us let go of some of the anger.
I’m giving you an example of how immature it is to blame your pain on other people that are uninvolved in your problem. You dedicated an article in anger towards pregnant women. This isn’t the only article I’ve read about how pregnant woman need to shut up about being pregnant. Having a baby is a very happy, life changing moment for most women and you selfishly want them to… shut… up? Their child is not about you. The only unresolved issues I see here are infertile women blame shifting their problem onto a pregnant woman because they are jealous. They don’t need to shut up for going through pregnancy. The world doesn’t revolve around infertile women and couples are allowed to be happy about having a baby. Now, if they’re telling you how to have a baby knowing your situation, then yes, that’s insensitive and I can understand that anger. But to be bitter towards someone that is having a difficult pregnancy? That’s just immature and actually quite insensitive as well.
Same people doing these things are the ones who struggled with infertility.
Here’s better advice. Infertility sucks and good friends will be there for you. But if its always “All About You” you’ll never be happy for the people who care about you most. You can have a baby and your friend can? Be happy for her and be honest with her that it’s not easy hearing her complain remind her you’d switch places and try to make her feel better. Otherwise you’ll lose a lot more.