How to pick a mate – from the fairer sex perspective.
1) Pick someone bigger than you. It doesn’t matter what size you are, it matters how big you are compared to the person next to you. If you are 4′ 8″ and 79 lbs, you pick someone who’s at least 5′ 2″ and you’re good. If you’re 6′ 3″ and 330 lbs, go for the 6’5″, 440 pounder. If you aren’t sure if your choice meets the criteria for being enough bigger than you, refer to the spousal proportionality index (I’m sure it can be found on Google).
2) Pick someone who looks like they could be related to you. Just because it seems to work out well, usually. Bonus: This same rule applies to picking out pets! Ignore this rule if you hate your family. Then pick someone with exactly opposite features. You have big, round eyes? Pick someone squinty. You have darker skin? Pick someone who burns after 4.3 seconds of Sun exposure. Hate communicating with your mother? Pick an English language learner. You get the idea.
3) The hairier the better. Even if you are a hairy brute, if you pick someone with 342 hairs per square inch more than you have, you’ll look delicate in comparison. You will, however, have to invest in laser hair removal for your children, in lieu of a college fund.
4) You need one nag. There has to be one person who cares passionately about the lights being turned off, the counter tops being cleared, and the organization of the shoe rack. Passionately! If we do not all pair up to ensure this 1-1 nag ratio, the Earth would implode while simultaneously being taken over by an evil cat dictator. At least, that’s the general idea I’m getting, based on Mr. Grouch’s feelings towards lights, counter tops and shoe racks.
5) Pick a boozer who isn’t too much of a boozer. You don’t want someone who doesn’t like to drink. That’s boring. But, you also don’t want someone who’s going to ruin the office Christmas party by signing photocopies of their ass and stuffing them in the decorative stockings on the walls, either. Helpful Hint: If you can find someone who truly drinks socially, as in 1-2 drinks max, then you’ll always have a designated driver.
6) Pick someone who will let you complain. You need someone to vent to about your stupid job, to side with you when you get pissed off at your stupid cousin, and someone to lean on when your stupid dog dies.
7) Pick someone who will tell you to shut up. You don’t want to become some bitter, self-righteous harpy. Even when your cousin is an asshole, or your cat chokes on a hairball (his, yours, or your mate’s) and bites the dust. You need a kick in the pants every once in a while to regain some grace and put things in perspective.
8) Make sure you can put up with their most annoying habits. Because they aren’t going to go away. The snoring and the loud chewing and the good morning farts will actually increase in intensity 20-fold. At least. Learn to deal, or get out now, before your ear drums burst from the sound of Honey Nut Cheerios being munched, or you’re suffocated by cockcrow fumes.
9) Pick someone whose family members you don’t want to punch in the mouth. I mean, sometimes you will want to give a quick little sucker punch. Pow. But, to be fair, you also want to give a little tap to members of your own family from time to time. In some ways your in-laws will never really understand you, but in other ways you will be closer to them than your own blood. Even though they are not yours by ancestry, they are now yours by proximity. Don’t foolishly think they will go away – relatives love to stick nearby one another and drive each other batshit crazy, until the day they die.
10) Pick someone who gives you your space. In the honeymoon stage all you want to do is cuddle and kiss and pet each other. Once you’re over that sweet little hump you’re still going to enjoy spending quality time together, but you’ll no longer be willing to give up your weekly coffee dates with your friends, book club meetings (aka wine drinking and laugh-fests) and you are absolutely not going to want his foot to touch yours when you’re sleeping. Trust me. I have never understood how a King sized bed is the largest bed they make. There is so not enough space for two people who have been together for more than one year.
Any other tips for long-term couplings?