It’s highly likely that you will encounter a pregnant woman at work, at home, at the gym or via your Facebook feed. While she may enjoy engaging with you on topics such as hobbies, families, work gripes or nursery decorations, it’s important to be mindful of the fact that she may not want to engage with you on everything and everything under the “pregnancy topics” umbrella.
In order to prevent any mishaps (i.e. her hormonal self losing her shit and punching you in the face) – here’s a list of things she’s sure to NOT want to hear coming out of your face.
1) Oh my god, my labor was absolutely horrifying. Worst pain of my life. She is perfectly capable of visualizing worst-case scenarios in her own head without any help, thank you very much. No need to tell her some godforsaken story that will haunt her for the hours/days/weeks after she hears it.
2) I only gained 17 pounds during my pregnancy. I totally craved organic apples and rice cakes the whole time! Yeah, you’re a freak of nature. And also? An arrogant braggart. Step away from her and her Cheetos or she might place that crinkly bag over your head and strangle you with it. That is, once she creases the bag into a v-shape and finishes pouring the last of the crumbs into her mouth.
3) Oh my, your bump is getting bigger every day! The cousin to the “You must be due any day!” comment. Believe it or not, pregnant women are pretty attuned to their bodies and can tell when their skin is stretched to the limit, their organs are getting mashed and wedged into every available space inside their bodies and can really feel that extra 30+ pounds they are carrying with them every time they take the stairs.
4) How long are you planning to breastfeed/pump/? Or any other questions or advice at all related to the why/how/when/where she is going to nourish her child. It’s none of your freaking business. Until you’ve lived INSIDE her body and/or have analyzed her genetic makeup and/or lived through her exact life situation, you are in no position to offer unwanted advice or analysis.
5) Are you supposed to be eating/drinking/doing that? Unless she’s drinking a six-pack of beer or chain smoking cigarettes, I’d say it’s safe to assume that she’s making sensible decisions for her unborn child, based on advice from her doctor. If you’re questioning something as ridiculously benign as feeding her baby salty/fatty Cheetos, refer to possible consequence as described in number 2.
6) When I get pregnant I’m going to _________________. (Insert eyeroll here). Yea, shut it. You have no idea what you’re going to do. Even if you’re already had one, the second (or third or…) time around can be a whole different ballgame. In reality, you will do what the baby tells you to do. It’s nature’s prep for when the baby is here and is in charge in person.
7) We’re out of donuts in the lounge. The horror! The horror! Even if she’s never enjoyed a peanut-covered donut is her entire life, there might be a day during her pregnancy when ALL SHE CAN THINK ABOUT is swallowing a peanut-covered donut, and hearing the news that the peanut-covered donut-eating-opportunity has been stolen from her can be devastating. Don’t be the messenger.
8) How are you feeling? Pregnant. She’s feeling pregnant. Exhaustingly, whalishly, hormonally pregnant. She feels like shit and wants to stab everyone around her in the eye with a fork. Even if she feels happy, she also feels like crying. Frankly, it takes physical and emotional energy she doesn’t have to fake a smile and tell you she’s feeling just fine. Don’t steal precious energy away from the baby by asking this question. Unless you want to harm her baby. Stop harming the unborn babies!
9) Hi Mommy! Okay, hearing anyone other than your own flesh and blood call you mommy is just disturbing as hell. It’s not even sort of cute. Pure creepo, right there. If it’s said in a high pitched voice, it makes her think you might actually be psycho enough to try to murder her in her sleep. Stop creeping her out.
10) Shrimp. Raw chicken. Mangoes. Or any other word that conjures up even the notion of a smell so offensive that it makes her literally gag just from hearing the utterance. I realize you may not know ahead of time which word will cause this response (especially if it’s something seemingly ungagworthy, such as the word “dust” or “wall”), so just let the bobbing Adam’s apple be your guide.
A Morning Grouch 
Very funny, and very true.
Do people call you mom since you have “mom” within your blog name? I’ll bet they do. Shudder.
Actually, some of my readers call me CookieCakes. Not that it has anything to do with this post or the comments, but I try never miss an opportunity to plug my own blog. 🙂
cookiecakes!! i love it. and there must be a story behind it…
So freaking true.
I know you get where I’m at ALMOST EXACTLY 😉
Yes! I work with 2 ladies who are offenders on several accounts DAILY! We’ll all be doing good if they don’t get slapped.
god help their poor souls.
OH MY GOD, I JUST ASKED YOU HOW YOU ARE FEELING TODAY! Just stay away from my room until after maternity leave. Because I am 100% certain something else stupid will come out of my mouth. 100% certain. 😉
lol that is one that is really not too bad, and i almost put that – but that’s the answer in our heads (you remember this, i know you do!!)
And a (b) side to number 3, “Are you SURE you’re not having twins?”
omg YES. THIS.
I don’t normally ask any of these things… I may say some of them but only to my close friends…..but also..I guess because I enjoyed breastfeeding so much.. I assume most women are…Its when they are not that I am like huh.. wonder why…oh and I often will say. Hi mama…but not in a high pitched squeaky voice so thats okay right?
Yeah I don’t remember where I was going with this anymore.
Mama is TOTALLY okay, while “mommy” is not. I don’t know why.
The breastfeeding one might get you strangled via cheeto-bag.
I am actually pretty offended by this. Pregnant women can have a beer once in awhile.
Shit. So fucking true.
you prompted me to update it!
HYSTERICALLY WRITTEN! Plus, this brought me back to those days so fast that I remembered my retort for most of these things (if it was a female asking me, that is) Nothing shut them up faster than me asking whether they knew yet if they were having a boy or a girl? There is no greater insult than to assume someone is pregnant when she’s not. This we all know, right? Great post!
Baha. Truth.
Perfect! And how about “can I touch your stomach?”
hah, well if they ASK that’s better than just grabbing?!
oh my god yes! all of the above. the HI MOMMY shit drove me nuts! hang in there, sweetheart. You’re doing so awesome.
I’m actually kind of a disaster. But I can do this!
So do us non-pregnants just ignore the fact that you’re pregnant? Or just give you a bag of Cheetos in lieu of a greeting and back away slowly? Or do we obsess over the already born child even though that’s annoying too? I’ve always said some of this just to be nice because I’ve never been pregnant
CHEETOS! GIVE US CHEETOS! And you can never obsess too much about how great our children are, we eat that shit right up (almost as fast as the snacks).
And a lot of these ARE nice, and I do a couple of them all the time! even though when people say them to me I hate them. hah.
People are assholes.
How about a coworker that laughs at you for wearing maternity scrubs then says Oh god I bet you have stretch marks…I bet your boobs are covered. Did I mention this coworker was one of my best friends!!
Omg what?? Yea, that’s definitely something NOT to say!
Reblogged this on ohwellitslife and commented:
These are too funny! Some people get really stupid when they see that you’re pregnant and have no idea how stupid they sound lol.
How about “you look like you’re going to pop!” or “are you ready to pop??”No last time I checked I’m not going to pop but I will push another human out of my vagina and no not ready for another 3 months but thanks for asking at least I imagine saying this or something equally shocking
Yes the word “pop” in reference to childbirth is so gross. It’s prob a good thing we don’t say everything we think. …even though it is so tempting sometimes.
What a shameful list. There are a lot more important things pregnant women don’t want to hear. From doctors. From their husbands. You neglected these much more important words and focuses instead on being ungrateful for being in a state that many women, including me, would give all they have to be in.
Here are a few accurate things pregnant women don’t want to hear.
You’re baby is in danger.
You’re baby’s heartbeat is gone.
I’m leaving you.
I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t want our baby.
I’m sure many other grateful and appreciative women can add to this.
Being tired and having sore breasts and being told how big you are would be the biggest blessing of my life.
While the post isn’t shameful – it’s honest, and true, and not really all that complainey, I will grant you that it is also a bit ridiculous and frivolous. As many of my posts are. But, not all of them. I suspect you’d connect better with this one:
https://amorninggrouch.com/2013/08/16/rocking-her/
or this one:
https://amorninggrouch.com/2013/04/23/top-10-things-infertiles-want-you-to-shut-the-fuck-up-about/
I did address a bit of your concerns when I posted this to Huffington Post – you can find that one here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christine-skoutelas/10-things-pregnant-women-do-not-want-to-hear-coming-out-of-your-mouth_b_5290128.html?utm_hp_ref=parents&ir=Parents
I learned that if I answered “horrible” or “like crap” when people asked how I felt, they quit asking. Haha.
I also craved shrimp when I was pregnant, but eggs were the devil.
People don’t want honesty lol.
Yikes. I call people “mom” everyday. I am a preschool teacher and all the students from 3 classes get picked up from my room. I can’t possibly remember 50 parents first names so I just call everyone mom. I didn’t realize that was creepy!
Ok that mAkes a LOT of sense. And it’s not momMY. Big creepster difference!
I don’t suppose the ‘ morning sickness competition’ falls under this category? I was just informed of how easy I had it, only going through Three months of gut-wrenching horror as opposed to another woman’s ‘whole nine months’. Apparently she wins and I’m a bigg, fat (literally), wimp.
Oh good grief. People always think every one else has it easier.
Bobbing Adams apple?
Women have little ones 😉
The breastfeeding thing!!!! I actually hated it the first time and I’m sure I’ll hate it just as much this time and I need NO ONES face making noises about it. I’m talking to you, mother in law.