My dad is pretty awesome. Happy Father’s Day, Pa! Love ya. 1. Eat healthfully. Have an apple a day. Don’t eat just to eat. Enjoy cottage cheese as a delicious protein-punched snack. Except also love pizza. And love it with a passion. 2. Make smart financial decisions. Don’t overspend. Save, save, save. And then save some more. I didn’t follow this advice so well, however … Continue reading Traits I Inherited From My Dad
How to pick a mate – from the fairer sex perspective. 1) Pick someone bigger than you. It doesn’t matter what size you are, it matters how big you are compared to the person next to you. If you are 4′ 8″ and 79 lbs, you pick someone who’s at least 5′ 2″ and you’re good. If you’re 6′ 3″ and 330 lbs, go for … Continue reading 10 Key Pointers For Picking A Mate
Eggs. Carrot Juice. Soy Milk. Miller Lite. Avocado. Black Beans. Shredded Cheese. Follistim (oh, bonus fancy GREEN case for the injection pen this time…) Ovidrel. Hope. Continue reading The Staples Chilling in An Infertile’s Refrigerator
I have vivid memories of Mr. Grouch, in his college apartment, during muggy summer months. I can picture him, stripped down to his whitie tighties, sprawled across his twin bed, with the oscillating fan one centimeter from his toes, the soggy air leaving him too lethargic to move. A sexy, sweaty, beast. The two of us are different in so many ways but in this way we are oh so much … Continue reading Parenting: Reasons to Panic #2: The Sleeping Newborn
I’ve always hated my thighs. In high school, jeans shopping was a complete nightmare. I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t it always?” or “Wouldn’t we all rather stick our heads into the yawning mouths of lions or alligators or piranhas than shop for jeans?” To which the answer is a resounding YES. Yes, we certainly would. Hell, wouldn’t we all rather stick our heads into the ASSES of these animals, if it meant … Continue reading Bow To Your Thighness: 3 Guiding Principles For Physical and Mental Health
3 a.m. feedings are more than feedings. They are snuggles and safety and softly sung songs. They are cozy and comfortable and contented. Or discontented. They are waffle printed and lavender scented. They are sniveling and sweating and shushing, and are viewed through puffy eyes, crusted with sleep. They are restless and fatiguing and short. Or long. And they are beautiful. … Continue reading 3 a.m. Feedings
zip. a blooming line. red. zip. zip. a rush of agonizing relief. ziiiiiiiiiip. torturous and comforting. a dislocation of the pain. zip. it feels better. to bleed. It’s National Mental Health Awareness Month. Make an effort to become more aware. Continue reading Zip. (A Mental Health Awareness Poem)
So, I’m trying to get back into shape. Pre-baby shape. Which I’m quite sure is a fairy tale notion. My core is a disaster. My pelvis is broken. (Full disclosure: It’s really NOT. It’s just offset enough to FEEL like it’s broken and there’s nothing that can be done except steroid injections, which I haven’t yet tried, but am quite sure I will have to … Continue reading Parenting: Reasons To Panic #1 – Jogging With Baby
Pregnancy preparedness: Things you’ll want to do before you get knocked up – in no particular order. 1. Start telling strangers in line at the grocery store and strangers you’re connected with on social media that you are pregnant and that you are planning to formula feed. Take notes when they give you loads of valuable advice about infant feeding. 2. Stare at your naked self in the mirror and … Continue reading A Comprehensive Pre-Pregnancy To-Do List
Mr. Grouch and I met in 1997, my freshman year of college, his sophomore year. It didn’t take long for me to fall head over heels. At 18 years old, I knew he’d probably be the one I married, but we were young and foolish and we used to drive each other batshit crazy. We broke up a few times and after 4 years of … Continue reading Camping Trips As Spousal Screenings
A Morning Grouch 