10 Tips For Sustaining A Long-Lasting Marriage

During the honeymoon phase, relationships are easy. They are all adventure and excitement and newness.  But as the years wear on, the excitement dies down and reality sets in.  Here are some tips to ensure that you are giving your spouse what he or she needs, so the two of you can make it for the long haul.

1. Schedule your sexy time. Instead of silly, immature, impromptu sexcapades, ask your spouse if they want to have sex at 7pm on Tuesday. On. The. Dot. Everyone appreciates it when time is carved out just for them. However if they arrive any later than 7.15, withhold sex acts of any kind. No one likes to be stood up for a date. When they try to make a move, pull out your day planner and have them reschedule.

2.  Announce every time you’re going to the bathroom. The old, “Honey, I’ve gotta take a crap” routine never gets old, and everyone appreciates a truly open an honest relationship

3.  Help each other remove excess hair. Shave your man’s back, or help wax your lady’s upper lip.  A bit of southern landscaping may or may not be needed, from time to time.  Everyone appreciates when their significant other makes them feel attractive.

4.  Sleep with the television on all night. But, only if your spouse prefers silent, inky darkness. It’s good to help them broaden their horizons.

5.  Eat the last of the Chocolate Moose Tracks.  Or whatever favorite treat your spouse enjoys. Everyone wants someone to help them stay in shape. Tip:  This is especially true during/after pregnancy.

6.  Pretend to be asleep when you hear your child wake up.  Do NOT get up, no matter how long it takes your spouse to finally get up and tend to the child, because everyone appreciates being able to spend some extra quality time with their kid.

7.  Provide a counter-argument for every stance your spouse takes. Parenting. Politics. Religion. Pantry organization. No subject is too big or too small to stand up to spousal scrutiny. Your spouse will either gain negotiating skills or become so beaten down that he or she will go to great lengths to avoid a debate with you. Either way, it’s a win.

8.  Ask for things. A glass of water. A slice of bread with peanut butter on it. Help doing any task your spouse routinely does independently, such as carrying the baby AND the diaper bag, simultaneously. It’s good to help your spouse feel needed and capable. Bonus: If you ask for that water when you’re both upstairs in bed, you’ll also be helping them tone their quads and glutes by trudging up and down the stairs.

9. Ogle attractive strangers. Stare at your waitress as she walks away, eyeball your kids soccer coach, demand to watch a movie because your favorite on screen lover plays the lead role. This is a tough love tactic. No one wants to be taken for granted, so reminders that your spouse isn’t the only fish in the sea are sometimes needed.

10.  Answer questions with mirror questions. “What do you want for dinner?”  “What do you want?” , “What is the name of that show with the chainsaw murderer who works at the daycare?” “What is that show called?” The only communication tip better than this one is giving an answer to a completely different question than the one asked. “What do you want for dinner?”  “I heard about this high protein shake mix that you drink right after a workout that’s supposed to help build muscles 82 times faster than normal”.  By utilizing one of these communication modes you’re sure to engage your partner and avoid any awkward silent moments.

What other tips would you recommend?

If you liked this post you may also enjoy 10 Key Pointers For Picking A Mate and A Special Fart. One I View Lovingly.

A couple of 14-carat gold wedding rings. Pictu...

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Traits I Inherited From My Dad

My dad is pretty awesome. Happy Father’s Day, Pa!  Love ya.

1.  Eat healthfully.  Have an apple a day.  Don’t eat just to eat.  Enjoy cottage cheese as a delicious protein-punched snack.  Except also love pizza.  And love it with a passion.

2.  Make smart financial decisions.  Don’t overspend.  Save, save, save.  And then save some more. I didn’t follow this advice so well, however I did marry my husband, and he does this, so I count it as a win for myself.

3.  Be creative.  My dad once created this elaborate hoax where he and my younger sister “kidnapped” the neighbor’s Santa Claus around Christmas-time.  He wrote ransom letters and thought he was really helping the family nextdoor get into the holiday spirit.  Turns out, he actually traumatized those poor children, who thought Santa was in danger and that they weren’t getting any presents.  It still makes me laugh out loud when I think about this.

4.  Have incredibly large eyebrows.  Ok, eyebroW. Black one(s).  This one wasn’t so much a lesson learned, but more of a genetic characteristic.  A very bountiful one.

5.  Love your spouse.  My dad writes my mom little love notes and draws her pictures and writes her poems to tell her how much he adores her.  He’s been doing this now, for over half of his life.  It’s beautiful.

6.  Love your family.  Even your children or your wife or your siblings, when they are assholes going through a rough patch.  Maybe especially then.

7.  Get pissed off about things.  And act, for about 1 minute, like these things are the most important thing on the planet.  Especially if they’re not.  This doesn’t only come from my dad, I come from a long line of people who get pissed off over things.  Countertops.  Lights.  Carpets.  I don’t get pissed off so much over those things, but definitely over others and I think sometimes the “passion” over countertops and lights and carpets comes across much more strongly than it is really felt.

7.  Be committed.  Not to a mental hospital.  Well, yes, if you need one.  But, that’s not what I mean.  If you say you’re going to do something, do it.  If you are going to be married, be faithful.  If you are working with others, be honest.  Don’t do anything half-assed.

8.  Have at least a little bit of fear of getting Alzheimer’s.  And, maybe the gene.  We won’t really know for sure for a while now, but we know it runs in the family.  The good news is, we know how to love creatively, and how to save, and how to get pissed off, and how to remain committed, despite the pissing and moaning.  So, we should be okay.

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